This year has been a long one, but so important. I turned 50 and finally started to try to find out who I was. Adoption has been my Only focus for as long as I can remember. By digging deep , deeper than ever before, I discovered that my pain wasn’t only about losing my firstborn but, so much more.

Learning that my trauma and PTSD were with me far prior to that was critical. C-PTSD isn’t widely spoken of and it took seeing a trauma therapist to figure it out. I’m a work in progress and I don’t know if I’ll ever be whole. The seemingly simple fact that just existing is Not living.

I finally saw and named my unhealthy feelings and actions. That was the beginning of me becoming a different person. Maybe even one that I’d like.

I hate New Year Resolutions! We write them out in a list and within 3 weeks they are forgotten. So , I won’t impose upon myself anything specific. This year I will simply try to become better than the day before and if I fall, I’ll get up and try again.

When there is so much hurtful and wrong, I believe that it should never be rushed. I’m letting life set the pace of my healing heart. That alone is a huge first step for me.

Happy New Year to all of you !