Triggers

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Today is my oldest granddaughter’s birthday. It starts my season, my ritual of grief. Each grandchild adds and extends the season. My daughter’s birthday is next month and at first it was the main trigger.

Triggers in Adoption are everywhere. They are now in TV, Movies, and books. When you are a member of Adoptionland, you hear sad stories everyday and you Know your Sisters are struggling themselves. You’ve desperately want to take their pain away and it often becomes integrated into your own. We have such a close Tribe of women, both Moms and Adoptees, we know exactly how it feels.

I know women that have rituals they have done forever. Some healthy but often devastating. It’s so hurtful to both hear and watch their pain. It’s both wonderful and tragic to know you have this group of amazing friends.

Birthdays missed , weddings, grandchildren and just not being in our lost child’s life is a never ending nightmare. Many of us were told it would be open, only for it to close suddenly. We were never told we were hurting our child. We were told that WE were not enough. And , that is a forever feeling.

Last year another Mom that lives near me and our daughter’s share the same birthday month decided to go out for their birthday and be together. That was the first time I felt a little better. We are doing it again this year. It helped to not be alone and to be with someone that knows exactly how I felt.

Triggers are a land mine for those around us. I get that they can’t possibly understand. But , being told to “ get over it “ just makes it worse. It is our child. How can you forget your first born child? Why would you want to? They aren’t dead , just amputated from us.

I try to act like everyone wants me to be. Happy, positive, and alive. It’s exhausting. I am torn between giving up and trying to heal every day. As a dear friend told me last night, she wishes she had a magic wand to fix this.

I’m so grateful for the beautiful people that get it and love me despite me being a disaster in progress. The ones that check on me and offer unconditional love. It is those people that often keep me here. And , I pray that I’ve helped someone, too.

I’m hurting today, but I tell myself how many hurts I’ve survived. I know I will make it through this again. I’ve been doing it for almost 32 years.

Love to all of you today. 💗🎂

2 thoughts on “Triggers

  1. It triggers me that so many of us share your same story. My middle grandchild’s Birthday was Jan 5th. Since I’m currently being judged by my daughters other family, I’m afforded little communication with my three grandkids. The best I can do is send a gift and hope for a response that is so easy to give these days. I heard zip Friday. I will retreat further into my cave and live vicariously off my 5 second video thank you from Christmas. Shamed, judged and pushed to the edge for 41 years. Most days I hope to just go over forever.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I understand completely. We all have the same story, and we often feel our Sisters pain as our own. I’m so sorry you are going through this , too. No one told us we were hurting them or we would lose generations. So many don’t understand our Complicated Grief. I know your cave well. And , I the feeling of just wanting to get out. Holding on by your fingernails is exhausting. And , hearing ZIP , is so painful. This never should have happened to any of us. Hugs.

      Liked by 1 person

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