Today is my oldest granddaughter’s birthday. It starts my season, my ritual of grief. Each grandchild adds and extends the season. My daughter’s birthday is next month and at first it was the main trigger.

Triggers in Adoption are everywhere. They are now in TV, Movies, and books. When you are a member of Adoptionland, you hear sad stories everyday and you Know your Sisters are struggling themselves. You’ve desperately want to take their pain away and it often becomes integrated into your own. We have such a close Tribe of women, both Moms and Adoptees, we know exactly how it feels.

I know women that have rituals they have done forever. Some healthy but often devastating. It’s so hurtful to both hear and watch their pain. It’s both wonderful and tragic to know you have this group of amazing friends.

Birthdays missed , weddings, grandchildren and just not being in our lost child’s life is a never ending nightmare. Many of us were told it would be open, only for it to close suddenly. We were never told we were hurting our child. We were told that WE were not enough. And , that is a forever feeling.

Last year another Mom that lives near me and our daughter’s share the same birthday month decided to go out for their birthday and be together. That was the first time I felt a little better. We are doing it again this year. It helped to not be alone and to be with someone that knows exactly how I felt.

Triggers are a land mine for those around us. I get that they can’t possibly understand. But , being told to “ get over it “ just makes it worse. It is our child. How can you forget your first born child? Why would you want to? They aren’t dead , just amputated from us.

I try to act like everyone wants me to be. Happy, positive, and alive. It’s exhausting. I am torn between giving up and trying to heal every day. As a dear friend told me last night, she wishes she had a magic wand to fix this.

I’m so grateful for the beautiful people that get it and love me despite me being a disaster in progress. The ones that check on me and offer unconditional love. It is those people that often keep me here. And , I pray that I’ve helped someone, too.

I’m hurting today, but I tell myself how many hurts I’ve survived. I know I will make it through this again. I’ve been doing it for almost 32 years.

Love to all of you today. 💗🎂