It’s my Birthday, and why it doesn’t matter

Today is my birthday. I’m 51 years old and feel 90. For historical background, I’ve always hated this day. I was conceived out of obligation. It was expected that my Jewish parents have 2 children. They did and that was that. I wasn’t cherished, wished for or adored. It was simply something expected.

Having said that , I’m grateful that they had this todo list with me and little brother on it. If they hadn’t, my amazing children wouldn’t be here. I never would have had the chance to see the adults they have become.

Birthdays make me uncomfortable. Everyone literally has one , yet we act like it’s a huge surprise when it comes on the exact day every year. I detest presents. SHAME! I couldn’t possibly be worthy. Sadly, my son doesn’t dig bdays either.

This past year, I’ve been focusing on healing and digging deep into my childhood to find the wounds and let them breath. Bright sunlight heals the wound by opening up secrets and lies. Then , forgiveness comes. Forgiving yourself and others only helps you.

Living in Adoptionland only allows it to be another trigger day. Does she know it’s my birthday? Does she think of me , only in a fleeting thought? Does my estranged father remember anymore?

I think we should celebrate things we have accomplished, earned , or are happy days. Birthdays are simply the day you were born.

Maybe because they stir up feelings of shame , failure, and not deserving; They have always been a rough day.

I wish you all the happiest of birthdays. I’ll picture you having a huge party , surrounded by those that adore you.

I’ll be watching ghosts on tv. Maybe splurge on a poke bowl and hope the doorbell doesn’t ring with a cake.

You know what ? This is okay. It’s My story and truth. And , I won’t act like I’m excited about it. Just a day.

So, Happy Birthday to me. I feel so old and tired. But , as many have said , it’s better that the alternative.

Love 💕- a 51 year old Adoptee , once removed, and a First Mother. Aries textbook 💗💖🎂

8 thoughts on “It’s my Birthday, and why it doesn’t matter

  1. Happy Happy Birthday Hun!! from a first mother to a daughter relinquished to adoption in 1992.
    I always remember her birthday & will until my last breath!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Angelnurpocket ! We are part of a Sisterhood no one ever wants to join. My daughter is about to have her 5th baby, I’ve never met any of them. So happy for her ! Any day now. 💗


  2. Happy Birthday.
    I can relate. 😦
    I’ll be 50 around Mothers Day. It was always about being the “gift”.
    I can’t imagine the pain you must have in losing your child to the same machine that made us adoptees.
    May we close our eyes and feel the heartbeat in our chest and the grass under our feet. Bless you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Samantha! You aren’t a gift , you’re a human. Adoptees have so much to deal with. Family and friends want you to be grateful. You didn’t ask for any of this. It was done To you. I’m so sorry. We didn’t know we were hurting you. We were told if we truly loved you , we weren’t enough. I was never enough for my Adoptee parents. And, I’m not enough for my daughter to ever meet me. I feel our Sisterhood, and know we share a journey. Hugs to you ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much! It’s been more than half of my life since I’ve seen her for those short precious hours. My youngest grandchild will be 18 in 8 years. How is the world still spinning?


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