Today is my birthday. I’m 51 years old and feel 90. For historical background, I’ve always hated this day. I was conceived out of obligation. It was expected that my Jewish parents have 2 children. They did and that was that. I wasn’t cherished, wished for or adored. It was simply something expected.
Having said that , I’m grateful that they had this todo list with me and little brother on it. If they hadn’t, my amazing children wouldn’t be here. I never would have had the chance to see the adults they have become.
Birthdays make me uncomfortable. Everyone literally has one , yet we act like it’s a huge surprise when it comes on the exact day every year. I detest presents. SHAME! I couldn’t possibly be worthy. Sadly, my son doesn’t dig bdays either.
This past year, I’ve been focusing on healing and digging deep into my childhood to find the wounds and let them breath. Bright sunlight heals the wound by opening up secrets and lies. Then , forgiveness comes. Forgiving yourself and others only helps you.
Living in Adoptionland only allows it to be another trigger day. Does she know it’s my birthday? Does she think of me , only in a fleeting thought? Does my estranged father remember anymore?
I think we should celebrate things we have accomplished, earned , or are happy days. Birthdays are simply the day you were born.
Maybe because they stir up feelings of shame , failure, and not deserving; They have always been a rough day.
I wish you all the happiest of birthdays. I’ll picture you having a huge party , surrounded by those that adore you.
I’ll be watching ghosts on tv. Maybe splurge on a poke bowl and hope the doorbell doesn’t ring with a cake.
You know what ? This is okay. It’s My story and truth. And , I won’t act like I’m excited about it. Just a day.
So, Happy Birthday to me. I feel so old and tired. But , as many have said , it’s better that the alternative.
Love 💕- a 51 year old Adoptee , once removed, and a First Mother. Aries textbook 💗💖🎂