Raw, viewer beware….

Please don’t expect this to have ANY type of organization to it.

I’m falling apart and each time it happens I fall further away. I’m gutted, in agony, numb, and so Angry! I’m so devastated and broken that no matter how hard I try to fix me and things , I fail. I have begged, pleaded, prayed, wished, hoped, and everything else under this sun. I’m Furious that I cannot either let go completely or fix it.

Each loss multiples my grief by a million. I’m in the deepest, darkest cave in the ocean and I’m not wanting to follow the bubbles up. Its cold and dark here, and that is safe. No one can get to me. I’ve done my therapy weekly. Trauma is a bitch that sinks it’s fangs into you and won’t let go.

My lost daughter just had her fifth baby yesterday. It’s a wonderful, beautiful thing. He’s gorgeous and will be loved so much by everyone.

It triggers losing her again. The flashbacks of 32 years ago come and crash on me , smothering any work I’ve accomplished. I’ll never meet her or them. She’s made this clear and I accept it the best I can.

I’m so fucking mad at my parents, her parents and her dad , my ex-husband, the father of all three of my children. I’ve tried to never be angry at him. I was for far too long.

I feel abandoned by my ” wonderful ” parents, Adoptees themselves. I feel abandoned by my raised daughter that simply says ” You signed the papers “. No love or understanding is passed out by her. Instead, she posted a thing about toolbox’s and both daughters discussed it ” me”.

J, you could have stopped all of this in the beginning. You could have loved me and her enough to make this not happen. You Chose not to. Your wife found her first and filled her head with lies. Your wife introduced her to our other daughter. That was never her right or the right thing to do. Btw, your other children think you’re a jerk.

I have kept silent on millions of things , praying that to just go forward would be best. I protected everyone that was complicit, trying to be the happy, evolved mom.

No one was there except me. Your wife , mother and yourself had ZERO right to tell my story. You don’t even know it. I waited for letters and pictures to come you didn’t bother to ever read or look at.

Her parents Promised they would give her everything I sent. They didn’t. Then, they moved and the lawyer claimed she didn’t have the new address after they adopted her sister. I have pictures they sent of both. Yet, you all decided I lied that it was an open adoption. I suppose it’s more convenient than the truth.

I served my 18 year sentence and was waiting for our balloon reunion. You said NO. It was then that I lost all of my coping mechanisms. I never thought that it would end that way. Everyone had promised me I’d meet you.

You tell me that I love you , too much. Do you love your children too much? That doesn’t even make sense. Yes , I sinned and for that , G-d is my judgment, not you. J sinned too , yet you are in reunion with him and his horrible wife. I’m sure you don’t know her secrets. I do. She’s my ex sister in law best friend. I won’t tell. I’m Not like her.

You preach of kindness and forgiveness yet won’t even talk to me once! Hypocrisy. I’m glad you’re the happy Adoptee. I wouldn’t want you sad , ever! Yet, your happiness will never include me. And, you’ve missed out on someone you would have liked. If you only knew how much alike we are.

Your adoptive parents raised a beautiful woman. You are a fantastic mother and wife. I’m proud of you in a million ways. I just cannot understand why you have Zero feelings for me. I’ll never know.

One day, I hope you see your role in this. It never had to be this way. We could have been friends, if you’d given me a chance. You decided that erasing me was for your best. I pray you never regret it. I know far too many that change their mind too late and mourn a grave.

I’m hurting so much there aren’t words to explain. I’ve always wondered how the world kept spinning. I always believed in the fairytale ending. If I just held on, you would see. Your heart would be softenedand it would work out.

I don’t believe that today. Rock bottom leaves you blind. Maybe I’ll believe that again.

Another quilt will be made for the baby I’ll never meet. They will never know I exist. It makes you feel safe.

Congratulations on your beautiful baby boy. His hair is red like yours and mine. He looks like your brother you have never bothered to talk to.

I know I’ll never meet you. And, it’s a tragedy.

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