Uncomfortably Numb….

Day after day I sit here and know that I’m meaningless. I’ve isolated myself to the point of not even existing. My heart beats and air moves through my lungs, but , nothing more. Feeling anything seems impossible. I’m not mad, sad, or anything.

If this is acceptance, I’m there. Zero hopes or dreams. This is my lot in life. I’m responsible for all of it. I Own it. If only I hadn’t….. everything.

I try not to count days, count on people, or count my losses. I try not to think and it’s becoming easier. I’m slowly fading away. My family won’t notice. Family. Yeah. Thick or think, that’s the idea. Right? I’m disposable. That’s a fact. I’ve been replaced easily and that finally gives me some comfort that they will do so when I’m gone.

Post a picture of my dog. She’s “fine”. It’s so much easier to think someone is okay than to climb into the mud and pull them out. It’s no ones responsibility but my own.

I’ve lost too much to ever be alright. As Adoptees put it , ” She’s too damaged “. They are really right. You can’t change time.

The future holds nothing but a calendar, a very empty one. When you truly believe you’re worthless, you understand why people forget you. It’s logical. No offense taken. One can only expect so much of anyone.

I wish everyone a wonderful life. They deserve it. Fait has other plans for me. I do have a legacy. I had 3 wonderful children that are amazing adults and their achievements and success are part of me, even if they wish it not so.

When I’m gone , they will have beautiful long healthy happy lives. What more could a mother want? Remember my name. I existed once.

No worries. Off to trauma therapy.

10 thoughts on “Uncomfortably Numb….

  1. You’re not forgotten or unnoticed here.

    I hope your therapy helps you through this moment and the pain you’re feeling now.

    I may be a stranger and my words are not the ones you need but I care and I notice you.

    ❤Nat

    Liked by 1 person

      1. You’re welcome. I hope that it helps you to have a space to get the thoughts out when you’re hurting. I hope that an end or closure means reconnecting with your family.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. We could argue back and forth without end. You see no worth. I see worthwhile. We just don’t agree 😊.

        Do you speak to anyone (a therapist or doctor?). I think when we are really distressed it becomes impossible to see yourself as worthy.

        To me (as an outside perspective and not knowing your full story) I think you never know what is happening in someone’s mind. Is it truly possible to know their decision was easy to make? I know there have been times I’ve made decisions which hurt others. But that didn’t make the choice easy. And it doesn’t necessarily mean you don’t care or love.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I saw my trauma therapist yesterday. Once a week. She knows of my ideations. I’ve had them for decades. I’m everything you wrote in your post. My family would be better with someone else

        Like

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