After I wrote my blog on Forgiveness, we received bad news. Mom is dying. We chose Palliative Care yesterday. She’s having trouble breathing, her legs are covered in blisters from all of the fluid, and her kidney function is poor. She has refused all dialysis, and advanced life support.
I’m obsessively cleaning. I don’t know why. It’s Very unlike me. But , I’m full of this chaos in my mind. I guess it’s something tangible I can do when I cannot save her. I’ve been a ICU nurse for 26 years. That’s what I do , I save people. I can’t save my own mother. Hard to accept.
I have a strained relationship with my brother, yet yesterday we were discussing her funeral. Total brain confusion. It doesn’t seem real. I keep thinking that this really isn’t happening. I’m not ready.
She is happy, and ready. I think that scares me the most. I know when people are ready , that it doesn’t take long. Yet , I don’t want her to suffer. It’s a mix of desperation in wanting her comfortable and not wanting her to leave.
I’ve been around death for a long time. I’m good at this , Right?? It’s so different when it’s your mom. My beautiful daughter is scared and sad and that breaks my heart. I have lost one relative in my life. My only biological Grandmother, Nana. In fact it will be 20 years ago next month. I miss her daily. I still want to call her. I can’t imagine what this will be like.
I’m trying so hard to only focus on her. I’m being happy and playful and so full of it. What I honestly feel is the terror of abandonment. My constant companion. Another person I love is leaving me.
I know in my mind it’s best. Struggling to breathe I wouldn’t wish on anyone. I promised her I wouldn’t let her suffer. I’ve done Hospice as a nurse, but never on my family. I pray I’m up to the task.
I’ve lost so much I don’t want to lose my mom. She loved me before I was born. She’s always loved me , even at my worst. That’s what moms do. I’m scared to death. Will I crash and destroy myself, again? Time will tell.
I love you Mom. Always have and always will. You promised to haunt me and I’m counting on it. I’ll look for you everywhere and in everything.
Let’s enjoy our time together now. Trying to stay present. Not one of my strong suits. But , I’ll do my best. I’ll love you till your last breath and after that , forever.
If you’re reading this , please take the steps you need to so you don’t waste anymore time. Tomorrow isn’t promised. Life is so short and precious.