Real Panic Attack Live…….

So, I’m having a full blown panic attack and I decided to share. Have you had one or seen one ? This is mine……

Description: Crying without making noise. Shaking violently. Wanting to run to the fucking make believe safe place my therapist is so fond of. Rage. Terror. Grief. I’m going to throw up again. Easily annoyed. Eyes 👀 huge.

I should have known it was coming. Today is just too much EVERYTHING. I have zero reserve and I danced too close to the line. I’m FINE!!!!!! Insert sobs.

Triggers: extremely ill. Mom is getting worse. R is having cancer surgery right now , still after 6 hours. Did I forget to tell you my husband lost his job over 3 weeks ago? Yeah. Not something I can tell. Phone therapy today triggered me. I told her that I won’t get over my daughter…. for the hundredth time. They seem like they think I could or would. Bills. FEAR! In my bones. It’s hard to think or type so you’re getting live without fucking beeps. My guilt on not being able to financially contribute because I’m a disaster and I’m going through disability. Loser. Worthless. Powerless.

Having No One to call. Lonely. Isolated. Alone. I’m one of thousands doing this right now and I decided I would probably live through it if I wrote.

People are arguing over a damn football player and my daughter won’t speak to me ever. How is the world still spinning? Young girls are giving up their babies because they are told they aren’t enough. I was once one , a long long time ago. And , that was part of what destroyed me.

How are we going to pay for anything or medicine or dogs or living ? My mother will never see the beach again and I need to be okay with that. She won’t ever meet her great grandchildren, and that breaks my heart.

I’m furious, terrified, lost , broken and the thing is …. I know the worst is coming. This isn’t it. It’s the prelude. Isn’t that fabulous?????

I want to be invisible. I want to be tiny. I don’t want to have to breathe. Ha! I even managed to get a damn migraine on Aimovig. Useless me.

The thing is about a panic attack, you can’t share it. You are whining. You need to be strong. Blah blah blah. Buck up. Try harder. Be more. You aren’t enough. See the circle ⭕️???

I’m going to be fine. Great. Everything everyone wants me to be. A lie. But , it sounds good. I’m actually going to have some herb and calm the fuck down.

This is panic. This makes no sense. This is me sometimes. I won’t apologize for it. It’s never forgiven.

I don’t edit myself for anyone. If someone doesn’t like me , I’ll know. I feel too damn much for people that don’t feel a thing for me.

One thought on “Real Panic Attack Live…….

  1. I understand too well. I have been having them for so many years and only just recently have I tarted being open about my struggle. It’s hard but I know I need the support and the only way to get that is to let someone in. My symptoms include chest pain so severe that I think I’m having a heart attack. I usually get a migraine when I crash after the adrenaline rush. I feel you! You are not alone!!

    Liked by 1 person

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