Huge long deep sigh. The New Year has come and gone and I don’t do resolutions. I do look back and see what 2018 brought. Though it was and remains extremely painful, I grew. The last time I cried was when Baby O was born last year. He’s my fifth grandchild I’ll never know. In the last two weeks, both D and R had birthdays. I’m grateful she allows me to watch their life. Too many of us can’t do even that.
It was agonizing when I first felt the shift of truly believing her no about meeting me. For some reason, my heart finally accepted that is my reality. Numbness took over , probably a safety thing. No matter how many times she rebuffed me , I held on to hope for life.
Slowly, painfully , I believed everything she said. I realized my many mistakes and wished I had approached reunion differently. I didn’t know what I do now back then. It’s been 10 years since the first no , and her being a wife and mother didn’t change her mind as so many told me she would.
Trauma therapy has helped tremendously. I learned that only I have the power to react to something. I chose not to. She has every right to refuse me. She didn’t choose any of this. I discovered that I was acting like a Privileged Adoptive Parent. I felt she was mine. Realizing that was a type of ownership, filled me with shame. She owes no one a thing. She has a right to decide who fits in her life and who doesn’t.
She’s beautiful, happy , funny , and a lot like me , though I’m sure she’d disagree. She’s a fabulous mom of 5 amazing children. She is strong in faith and always does everything to perfection.
I don’t think it’s possible to ” get over it “. It’s more a matter of acceptance. She will always be my daughter and I’ll love her forever. But , relationships can’t be one sided. It takes both people to be brave Enough to take the chance that something wonderful could happen.
I see her post on many things I want to comment on. She wonders where this and that came from. I doubt she even thinks of me. That’s okay. She’s a busy mom , leader in her church and business owner. She needs to be totally present for her family.
My raised daughter is in a wonderful reunion with her. I’m beyond grateful. I do wish she’d contact her brother. But , I’m sure she has her reasons.
This month starts my season of reliving losing her. Of waited for the rescue that never came. The countdown to something I never thought would truly happen. I believed with all of my heart I’d keep her. I was in the minority of never wanting to go into labor.
I decided this past year to pour every bit of love I felt into my raised children, her full siblings. I realized that by focusing so much on her , I might be making them feel they weren’t Enough. I had to break the cycle. Adoption affects generations. My parents are adopted.
I spit into tubes and sent them in. I wanted to know who I was. So many children of adoptees don’t know. We have many autoimmune illnesses in our family and I wanted to make sure I was ready. We are Jewish , and there are some diseases that run in that. I felt it was my responsibility to get my kids their information.
This year , the pain is different than the last 32 years. I’m not allowing myself to feel. I just turned it off. My husband said this was my best season yet. My therapist will be happy. Yet , she knows I’m just stuffing it inside. I pray it doesn’t all come out.
As I watch my Sisters have beautiful reunions , my heart is happy for them. Yet , inside I feel the usual aloneness, being one of the few that doesn’t get it. I think a total disconnect is happening.
This has been one of my problems. I overthink everything. I had imagined for years what our reunion would be like. Balloons at the airport, hugs , tears , peace. As I watch my Sisters do reunion, I saw that you never really get them back. Too much lost time. Too many hurts.
So , getting to the point , 2019 will be a year of giving all of my love and attention to those that do love me. I have always loved them , but I see my pain has been hard on them. For that , I’m sorry. I make no promises if I fall. I need to remember that it’s just s bad day , not forever.
I’m forever grateful for all that listened as I sobbed and always thought of me. I know it can be very draining.
I’m taking up photography. My daughter gave me a camera that is really nice. I’m hoping I can become good enough to do justice to things.
Both of my raised children are starting new jobs and I’m proud as can be. They are kind , thoughtful, and patient with me.
So , I wish you a loving wonderful year. You deserve it and you are Enough. Please believe me. Don’t listen to the poison of your past.
Thank you for supporting me. I couldn’t do this without you.