Huge long deep sigh. The New Year has come and gone and I don’t do resolutions. I do look back and see what 2018 brought. Though it was and remains extremely painful, I grew. The last time I cried was when Baby O was born last year. He’s my fifth grandchild I’ll never know. In the last two weeks, both D and R had birthdays. I’m grateful she allows me to watch their life. Too many of us can’t do even that.
It was agonizing when I first felt the shift of truly believing her no about meeting me. For some reason, my heart finally accepted that is my reality. Numbness took over , probably a safety thing. No matter how many times she rebuffed me , I held on to hope for life.
Slowly, painfully , I believed everything she said. I realized my many mistakes and wished I had approached reunion differently. I didn’t know what I do now back then. It’s been 10 years since the first no , and her being a wife and mother didn’t change her mind as so many told me she would.
Trauma therapy has helped tremendously. I learned that only I have the power to react to something. I chose not to. She has every right to refuse me. She didn’t choose any of this. I discovered that I was acting like a Privileged Adoptive Parent. I felt she was mine. Realizing that was a type of ownership, filled me with shame. She owes no one a thing. She has a right to decide who fits in her life and who doesn’t.
She’s beautiful, happy , funny , and a lot like me , though I’m sure she’d disagree. She’s a fabulous mom of 5 amazing children. She is strong in faith and always does everything to perfection.
I don’t think it’s possible to ” get over it “. It’s more a matter of acceptance. She will always be my daughter and I’ll love her forever. But , relationships can’t be one sided. It takes both people to be brave Enough to take the chance that something wonderful could happen.
I see her post on many things I want to comment on. She wonders where this and that came from. I doubt she even thinks of me. That’s okay. She’s a busy mom , leader in her church and business owner. She needs to be totally present for her family.
My raised daughter is in a wonderful reunion with her. I’m beyond grateful. I do wish she’d contact her brother. But , I’m sure she has her reasons.
This month starts my season of reliving losing her. Of waited for the rescue that never came. The countdown to something I never thought would truly happen. I believed with all of my heart I’d keep her. I was in the minority of never wanting to go into labor.
I decided this past year to pour every bit of love I felt into my raised children, her full siblings. I realized that by focusing so much on her , I might be making them feel they weren’t Enough. I had to break the cycle. Adoption affects generations. My parents are adopted.
I spit into tubes and sent them in. I wanted to know who I was. So many children of adoptees don’t know. We have many autoimmune illnesses in our family and I wanted to make sure I was ready. We are Jewish , and there are some diseases that run in that. I felt it was my responsibility to get my kids their information.
This year , the pain is different than the last 32 years. I’m not allowing myself to feel. I just turned it off. My husband said this was my best season yet. My therapist will be happy. Yet , she knows I’m just stuffing it inside. I pray it doesn’t all come out.
As I watch my Sisters have beautiful reunions , my heart is happy for them. Yet , inside I feel the usual aloneness, being one of the few that doesn’t get it. I think a total disconnect is happening.
This has been one of my problems. I overthink everything. I had imagined for years what our reunion would be like. Balloons at the airport, hugs , tears , peace. As I watch my Sisters do reunion, I saw that you never really get them back. Too much lost time. Too many hurts.
So , getting to the point , 2019 will be a year of giving all of my love and attention to those that do love me. I have always loved them , but I see my pain has been hard on them. For that , I’m sorry. I make no promises if I fall. I need to remember that it’s just s bad day , not forever.
I’m forever grateful for all that listened as I sobbed and always thought of me. I know it can be very draining.
I’m taking up photography. My daughter gave me a camera that is really nice. I’m hoping I can become good enough to do justice to things.
Both of my raised children are starting new jobs and I’m proud as can be. They are kind , thoughtful, and patient with me.
So , I wish you a loving wonderful year. You deserve it and you are Enough. Please believe me. Don’t listen to the poison of your past.
Thank you for supporting me. I couldn’t do this without you.
3 thoughts on “2018 was the year that Hope died ….”
I read to the line, that your daughter attends and is involved in church. I apologise, truly, but I fear your daughter is just an adherent, not a Christian. Psalm 139 tells her who her mother is YOU. Exodus 20 is a command of God, to HONOUR your father and mother. Regardless of status, ie adoptee or not, Christians honour God and his word, and to disrespect that and you is simply tragic. Remind her of her charge if she truly is a Christian, to honour Gods word and YOU.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Mara , Thank you for reading it. I am Jewish and so is she , by our bloodline. I can’t remind her of anything. She won’t have me. I agree with your interpretation of the Bible , as it doesn’t say to adopt , but to help widows and orphans. There is far too much coveting happening.
Leader of her Church ! for Gods sake where is this woman’s compassion & understand LOVE , for her own Mother !