I Thought I knew Grief after losing my Daughter….

This is my Mother. It’s been almost 5 months since she died. My brother had her ashes and spread them in our old childhood home in California. He’s sending the rest of Mom to me.

I always thought that cremation was a good thing. I realized after my Mom died that I had no idea. All I wanted to do was lay on her grave and weep. But , there wasn’t anywhere to go.

People say she’s with me everyday , but , I can’t feel her anywhere. She promised to come back if it ” wasn’t against Heavens rules”. She was adorable like that.

The night she died , I screamed into my pillow. I howled with the realization of GONE forever. I told my husband I had never hurt this much , even after losing my first daughter to a forced adoption.

Losing my daughter has always been my touchstone for grief. Nothing could be as awful as that. I found that wasn’t true anymore. My mom loved me even when I felt so unlovable. She really was my best friend, my cheerleader, and my confidant.

All the things I allowed myself to be angry about disappeared. I no longer blamed her for not having the tools to rescue me and my first born. She was an Adoptee herself, deep in the fog.

My last post explains how traumatic her death was after all the facility did to me. They were cruel and it destroyed a natural death. Not only was my heart broken, but it terrified me.

Now , I’m trying to figure out what to do with my mom. Do I have jewelry made of her ashes? Do I scatter them somewhere when her favorite place was Michael’s ? Do I put them on the mantle next to my Menorah ?

I pray she is watching me. I pray she’s okay. I took care of her for her last 17 years. After she died , I turned my phone off. I had kept it on all those years to know she was okay. She doesn’t need me anymore.

I waited 2 months to turn off her phone. Doing it made her truly gone. Verizon was wonderful. They offered to make me a file of her message so I could hear her voice. But , she would never let me set up her voicemail. Please, make recordings of your loved ones voices. You’ll need them one day.

In Judaism , we grieve for one year. It’s actually a very good way. I don’t cry every single day anymore. It comes in unexpected waves , and I’m trying to learn how not to drown.

I knew one thing immediately. I will never hurt myself and put the pain on my children of husband. All of my ideations vanished that day.

My mom taught me how to love , how to give , and how to lose her.

I love you Mom ❤️. You were always enough.