Raw, viewer beware….

Please don’t expect this to have ANY type of organization to it.

I’m falling apart and each time it happens I fall further away. I’m gutted, in agony, numb, and so Angry! I’m so devastated and broken that no matter how hard I try to fix me and things , I fail. I have begged, pleaded, prayed, wished, hoped, and everything else under this sun. I’m Furious that I cannot either let go completely or fix it.

Each loss multiples my grief by a million. I’m in the deepest, darkest cave in the ocean and I’m not wanting to follow the bubbles up. Its cold and dark here, and that is safe. No one can get to me. I’ve done my therapy weekly. Trauma is a bitch that sinks it’s fangs into you and won’t let go.

My lost daughter just had her fifth baby yesterday. It’s a wonderful, beautiful thing. He’s gorgeous and will be loved so much by everyone.

It triggers losing her again. The flashbacks of 32 years ago come and crash on me , smothering any work I’ve accomplished. I’ll never meet her or them. She’s made this clear and I accept it the best I can.

I’m so fucking mad at my parents, her parents and her dad , my ex-husband, the father of all three of my children. I’ve tried to never be angry at him. I was for far too long.

I feel abandoned by my ” wonderful ” parents, Adoptees themselves. I feel abandoned by my raised daughter that simply says ” You signed the papers “. No love or understanding is passed out by her. Instead, she posted a thing about toolbox’s and both daughters discussed it ” me”.

J, you could have stopped all of this in the beginning. You could have loved me and her enough to make this not happen. You Chose not to. Your wife found her first and filled her head with lies. Your wife introduced her to our other daughter. That was never her right or the right thing to do. Btw, your other children think you’re a jerk.

I have kept silent on millions of things , praying that to just go forward would be best. I protected everyone that was complicit, trying to be the happy, evolved mom.

No one was there except me. Your wife , mother and yourself had ZERO right to tell my story. You don’t even know it. I waited for letters and pictures to come you didn’t bother to ever read or look at.

Her parents Promised they would give her everything I sent. They didn’t. Then, they moved and the lawyer claimed she didn’t have the new address after they adopted her sister. I have pictures they sent of both. Yet, you all decided I lied that it was an open adoption. I suppose it’s more convenient than the truth.

I served my 18 year sentence and was waiting for our balloon reunion. You said NO. It was then that I lost all of my coping mechanisms. I never thought that it would end that way. Everyone had promised me I’d meet you.

You tell me that I love you , too much. Do you love your children too much? That doesn’t even make sense. Yes , I sinned and for that , G-d is my judgment, not you. J sinned too , yet you are in reunion with him and his horrible wife. I’m sure you don’t know her secrets. I do. She’s my ex sister in law best friend. I won’t tell. I’m Not like her.

You preach of kindness and forgiveness yet won’t even talk to me once! Hypocrisy. I’m glad you’re the happy Adoptee. I wouldn’t want you sad , ever! Yet, your happiness will never include me. And, you’ve missed out on someone you would have liked. If you only knew how much alike we are.

Your adoptive parents raised a beautiful woman. You are a fantastic mother and wife. I’m proud of you in a million ways. I just cannot understand why you have Zero feelings for me. I’ll never know.

One day, I hope you see your role in this. It never had to be this way. We could have been friends, if you’d given me a chance. You decided that erasing me was for your best. I pray you never regret it. I know far too many that change their mind too late and mourn a grave.

I’m hurting so much there aren’t words to explain. I’ve always wondered how the world kept spinning. I always believed in the fairytale ending. If I just held on, you would see. Your heart would be softenedand it would work out.

I don’t believe that today. Rock bottom leaves you blind. Maybe I’ll believe that again.

Another quilt will be made for the baby I’ll never meet. They will never know I exist. It makes you feel safe.

Congratulations on your beautiful baby boy. His hair is red like yours and mine. He looks like your brother you have never bothered to talk to.

I know I’ll never meet you. And, it’s a tragedy.

New Migraine Treatments- Is there hope?

I have chronic complicated Migraines and they only got extremely worse after my brain aneurysm. I’ve tried every medicine they make. I’m allergic to Triptans and Ergots, so it’s difficult to deal with daily headaches.

I started Botox about 4 years ago and , at first it helped a lot. After a few years it stopped working as well. They still weren’t daily , but often enough that I’m not satisfied with it. Topamax made me stupid.

I have been using Sphenocaths where medication is instilled into to sphenoganglion. They work well, but, I can’t have them forever. It’s not good for your nose.

I’m very excited about this new class of medications that come out in May and July. They actually address the problem, and not the pain. I read a great Harvard articlet today on it.


CGRP: A new era for migraine treatment

POSTED MARCH 05, 2018, 10:30 AM

Carolyn A. Bernstein, MD, FAHS


Migraine is a common medical condition, affecting as many as 37 million people in the US. It is considered a systemic illness, not just a headache. Recent research has demonstrated that changes may begin to occur in the brain as long as 24 hours before migraine symptoms begin. Many patients have a severe throbbing headache, often on only one side of the head. Some people are nauseated with vomiting. Many are light sensitive (photophobic) and sound sensitive (phonophobic), and these symptoms can persist after the pain goes away.

There are a variety of migraine subtypes with symptoms that include weakness, numbness, visual changes or loss, vertigo, and difficulty speaking (some patients may appear as if they are having a stroke). The disability resulting from this chronic condition is tremendous, causing missed days of work and loss of ability to join family activities.

It is sometimes possible for people to use an “abortive” medication, which, when taken early, can arrest the migraine process. For many patients, a preventive medication can decrease both the frequency and the severity of the migraines. But to date, many of the medications available for migraines have been developed primarily for other causes: seizures, depression, high blood pressure, and muscle spasms, for example. Researchers have been working for decades to develop a “targeted” preventive therapy specifically for migraine, and now we are finally close to having an exciting new treatment.

What does “targeted” therapy mean?

Calcitonin gene-related peptide (CGRP) is a molecule that is synthesized in neurons (nerve cells in the brain and spinal cord). It has been implicated in different pain processes, including migraine, and functions as a vasodilator — that is, it relaxes blood vessels. Once scientists identified this target molecule, they began trying to develop ways to stop it from being activated at the start of migraines, as a kind of abortive treatment. An agonist makes a molecule work more efficiently, and an antagonist blocks or reduces the molecule’s effect. The CGRP antagonist did work to decrease migraine pain based on certain measures, but there were some serious side effects including liver toxicity.

Back to the drawing board.

Monoclonal antibodies: Cutting-edge translational science

You have likely seen ads for monoclonal antibody (mAb) cancer and autoimmune therapies. There are lots of different types of mAbs, and while some harness a person’s own immune system to block replication of cancer cells, others stop a reaction in the body by binding to a target molecule or receptor and inhibiting it, thus preventing the reaction from continuing. The CGRP mAbs have this effect, and because they have a long duration of action (called a half-life), they can be administered much less frequently than typical migraine medications that are taken daily (with the exception of botulinum toxin, which is injected every 90 days). These new migraine medications are injected under the skin monthly, and have thus far demonstrated a statistically significant decrease in days of migraine. Four different drug companies are developing these new molecules, with two versions already sent to the FDA for approval.

What’s next?

If you think you may be a candidate for this new type of migraine medication, talk with your doctor, and perhaps ask for a consult with a neurologist or headache specialist who can help you understand more about the medication. Monoclonal antibody therapy is expensive, and there will likely be regulations about for whom s the treatments are appropriate. Much more research needs to be done about who is the best candidate for this therapy. But for many migraine patients who have not responded to the standard treatments, or who have had intolerable side effects such as cognitive dysfunction, low blood pressure, weight loss or gain, or other issues, CGRP monoclonal antibodies are safe and well tolerated, and are an exciting new development for migraine therapies.

I truly hope this helps the millions of us that are struggling with migraine disease!

I’m FINE, really…. isn’t that what you want to hear?

This has been a hard month, a hard year. I’ve been trying to see the good, and not focus on the Loss. Yet, I find myself grasping at anything to stay numb. I’m playing online games for the first time in my life. I’ve been playing Publishers Clearing House hourly. Hey, I won two things. Great.

I started doing genealogy after I got my DNA. I was hoping I’d feel less alone finding family from 500 years ago. Nope. It isn’t the panacea I had hoped it would be.

Posting happy, hopeful things , begging it to all come true. Trying to help others to fill that gaping hole, I’m being my codependent self. I feel scattered , confused, and , often numb.

I prefer numb to the soul crushing grief, yet it makes me feel even more alone. I rarely leave the house unless it’s for a doctors appointment. My crayon fort is old and familiar. It’s comfortable and no one knows.

My beautiful first daughter is having her 5th baby any day. These emotions are complex. I’m so happy for them, grateful they are growing their beautiful family, yet, I know I’ll never meet any of them. Adoption trauma is lifelong. This adds another trigger day.

I’m trying so hard to be happy. I don’t know if happy and trauma can live in the same soul. I wish, pray, hope they can. It’s strange the way you push things away, don’t cry , and then have chest pain. It’s as if the pain makes itself be felt… one way or another.

Someone told me fake it until you are happy. It was my trauma therapist actually. I’m not sure I agree. As I type this, my chest is tight. But, no tears. I actually wish I could cry. I so desperately need a release.

I’m Fine. Great. Hopeful.

I’m devastated. Swallowing the feelings of grief and trauma. I’m drowning.

Distraction, or die

Being part of Adoptionland is both a extremely painful place to live and so full of busy things to do. Sadly, you have hundreds of Sisters and Brothers that are on the same journey as you. But, they are literally your lifeline. No one that hasn’t either been abandoned as an Adoptee or had their baby snatched by Adopters knows how the feelings of this impact every area of your life.

Your home life is a mind field that your family tiptoes through every single day. ” Did you see the show on TV last night?”. Oops! It mentioned adoption. Never mind. They don’t remember every trigger day. Who could except someone that feels as you do? There’s the Birthday, the Gotcha Day, the day the open adoption closed, the many birthdays of your grandchildren you’ll never meet, and the second day of rejection. That’s only naming a few. You try to hide your grief because it makes others uncomfortable.

We come up with important projects of help for others, we counsel one another for endless hours, we rejoice if someone gets their miracle, and weep with shame that they were enough and we still aren’t. We go to conferences to both learn to heal and feel we are with family, our adoption family. They won’t judge our tears for they have their own. We blog , we share articles about new laws , and make plans on how to fight them if they are hurtful. We fight every single day to obtain Original Birth Certificates to maybe glean a new fact and know our heritage.

I’ve been taking mini breaks from this world on the advice of my trauma therapist. How can I move one baby step if all I do is think about Adoption? Unfortunately, everything seems and feels like adoption is in vogue and tv and movies theme around it.

I’ve been playing mindless games I swore I’d never do. I search YouTube for videos of people like me. I have a dozen new books written by talented Adoptees that I hope will be the magic balm to heal my stuck heart and mind.

I’ve “met” so many amazing people on this path. People that are far ahead of me in healing and those newbies that are in the fog. The fog, both helpful for not knowing you’re a disaster and horrible because it covers the pain of the truth.

My health is not great and so many of us have autoimmune diseases probably added onto by the trauma and C-Ptsd. When you lose your first baby and it wasn’t something you ever wanted to do or if you were the innocent that were abandoned by your parents, both usually equal a huge break in your life. There is No getting over “it”.

It is both children and parents, siblings and grandchildren. Adoption weaves it’s way through generations and it shows its ugly face at the worst , lowest moments in your life.

I don’t do baby showers. I’ve held my own children and one of my Adoptee Sisters. It’s too huge of a risk that I’ll dissolve into a sobbing wreck of what pretends to be “fine”.

I’m doing genealogy now. It’s both comforting and horribly sad to see all of these people I’ll never know. Loss is a big part of Adoptionland and we have all lost enough. We are usually hyper vigilant about our families and friends. We seek to see if they left us , because everyone else has. Why would they stay? We weren’t enough to love by our own family. My parents didn’t love me enough or their granddaughter to save us. And, my list daughter is about to have her 5th baby. Add another Anniversary to the crowed year of grief that repeats annually.

If you’re reading this and are pregnant, please reach out. If not to me , Familypreservation365@gmail.com

They also have an amazing blog on here to give resources, comfort, and those of us that live this life every moment.

You are enough. All your baby needs is her Mother. ❤️❤️❤️

It’s my Birthday, and why it doesn’t matter

Today is my birthday. I’m 51 years old and feel 90. For historical background, I’ve always hated this day. I was conceived out of obligation. It was expected that my Jewish parents have 2 children. They did and that was that. I wasn’t cherished, wished for or adored. It was simply something expected.

Having said that , I’m grateful that they had this todo list with me and little brother on it. If they hadn’t, my amazing children wouldn’t be here. I never would have had the chance to see the adults they have become.

Birthdays make me uncomfortable. Everyone literally has one , yet we act like it’s a huge surprise when it comes on the exact day every year. I detest presents. SHAME! I couldn’t possibly be worthy. Sadly, my son doesn’t dig bdays either.

This past year, I’ve been focusing on healing and digging deep into my childhood to find the wounds and let them breath. Bright sunlight heals the wound by opening up secrets and lies. Then , forgiveness comes. Forgiving yourself and others only helps you.

Living in Adoptionland only allows it to be another trigger day. Does she know it’s my birthday? Does she think of me , only in a fleeting thought? Does my estranged father remember anymore?

I think we should celebrate things we have accomplished, earned , or are happy days. Birthdays are simply the day you were born.

Maybe because they stir up feelings of shame , failure, and not deserving; They have always been a rough day.

I wish you all the happiest of birthdays. I’ll picture you having a huge party , surrounded by those that adore you.

I’ll be watching ghosts on tv. Maybe splurge on a poke bowl and hope the doorbell doesn’t ring with a cake.

You know what ? This is okay. It’s My story and truth. And , I won’t act like I’m excited about it. Just a day.

So, Happy Birthday to me. I feel so old and tired. But , as many have said , it’s better that the alternative.

Love 💕- a 51 year old Adoptee , once removed, and a First Mother. Aries textbook 💗💖🎂

The Family Preservation Project – Where Moms and Resources Meet

This new and exciting site has help and resources for Mothers in crisis. It lists every state and the places you can get help to keep your baby and stop adoption trauma. Family Preservation is best for both the Adoptee and the Family. There are also links to support where this amazing Army will help you. Please share and get involved. Both lives depend on it ! Thank you @Familypreservation365

Where Moms and Resources Meet
— Read on thefamilypreservationproject.com/

Princess of The Castle , my way ….

Once upon a time , there lived a princess in a castle. I’ll stop right here to discuss Castles. When we are young or not living in trauma, didn’t we all dream of castles ? Yours might have been like this:

Then there is mine :

Pretty stark contrast or were we neighbors ? My castle had thick walls , moats with crocodiles and dungeons where i could self impose punishments for myself. I felt that by keeping myself there i had some control of my out of control life. If i shut myself away i both could never be hurt again or be happy. Win Win , i thought. I didnt deserve to be happy and i knew i’d never have to truly deal with my grief.

Recently , ive been trying to actuallt feel my pain. Ive wanted to touch it and take it apart. My mind is curious that way. What I found would change everything for me.

Pain and trauma is something ive been wearing since at least my teens if not far before. My mom had dropped me on my head at 3 weeks , causing a skull fracture that did not please my young resident father. It embarrassed him that his wife was so careless , afterall , appearances are everything to some. I seemed to have no obvious lasting effect from it. My parents divorced when i was 10. My world suddenly went from one of live in maids and fancy foreign cars to shuttling between two very different worlds. I tried to raise my younger brother and keep my mom alive during her choice to stop actively living.

Did i do it well ? Hell No! But , i did it. i learned to cook and kept the bills paid and dad only came around when he wanted to impress a girlfriend. A horrible place for a young girl , zero guidance from anyone , angry at the world. At tbe time , it probably appeared like a episode of 90210 at times and others Cops. i deperately craved for someone to love me and rescuse me but did it in the worst possible ways.

I acted out , tried illegal things , went on dangerous adventures and told myself i was the lucky one. No one would tell me what to do. i was right , because no adult cared enough about if i was breathing the next day. Growing up with zero rules or cosequnces felt bold and brave! I didnt see the disfunction until i was a Mom.

During that time, in what should have been my great learning years , it was taken from me by anyone with the right words or promises of forever. I so desperately wanted to be loved that i allowed horrible things to happen to myself. Strangely , it wasnt until i was 50 that i allowed myself to even mention that i had been both molested and raped by the time i was 14.

Id tell myself that it was normal until i couldnt keep my baby. Everything came to a full stop then and pain started to build to a level of PTSD. I had reached broken. Shattered. Destroyed. And , most importantly Stuck. I wouldnt budge from there , despite a failed brutal marriage that gave me her two siblings. I divorced within 18 months of my youngest child being born. I was alone with my two beautiful kids by 30.

For the next two decades , i was the princess of my tiny house and my new loving husband , and i faked everything. That took so much out of me and having my mom move in with us for her health readons drove me to the breaking point.

I thought about suicide constantly after i turned 40. Everyone knew it , yet they couldnt help me. Ive always known i would have to save myself. Yet , it wasnt until this year that i had ONE day i wanted to live for me. Its not even April 2018 and i dont want to die. Believe it when someone tells you things change in the blink of an eye. It was as if someone ( G-d?) snapped their fingers and i was Alive.

Two , maybe three, big things had changed. I had started trauma therapy , i had started taking magic oil at night for pain and sleep and i suppose , i finally believed my lost daughter that Never was going to happen. She neither cared about me nor was ever going to meet me. My fairytale ending would never ever happen. I was also the closest to commiting suicide i had ever been.
My plan was set , i had every detail worked our and i even told people of it. Incase you are new to adoptionland , these feelings arent rare. I believe that many people were stunned i had made it to 50. I know i was. My kids were grown , and i decided that they would be much better without me and my constant failures around them. My mom had gone to assisted living so she wasnt an issue anymore. And , my sweet husband would be far better off than having a broken wife that was both chronically ill and depresed. The decades of trauma had destroyed my immune system and we both knew id never live to old age. Yay!

So , what changed and why do i want to live? Hmmmmmmmm. I crawled into the storm of the pain and let myself soak in it. I simmered and braised in agony. And , i discovered that there were things i wanted to do and see. Just for me. Not because there wasnt someone else to do it or because i was being forced. I made a choice to be happy. Insert the laughter of the hundreds that wrote and said it was a Choice! Bastards! How could they be so cruel? Didnt they know how hard i had fought to stay alive? But , they were just ahead of me. I hadnt ever tried to be happy , i acted like what i thought happy was. Two absolute different things.

If you are reading this and barely holding on by your fingertips , please stay. Its fine to keep screaming. Its okay if you plan it and dont follow through. I even challenge you to tell someone how much it fucking hurts. Tell me if you need to. Please dont be silent and go off without anyone knowing Every Single Reason Why. Because while holding on , you just might find yourself, too.

Just like Glinda , the witch of the North said , ” You’ve had the power all along my dear “. I just didnt know it. ❤️❤️❤️