I’m at my trauma therapist right now. We are going to do EMDR and dig deep. I’m so nervous. Growing and learning about my trauma and loss isn’t easy. It sometimes hurts like hell. Denying that my parents hurt me has been the ” easy” way. I’m so used to self- loathing, to shame , to never being Enough and to people I love leaving. Exploring all of that is painful.Flash to now: About 18 hours post session. We dug out horrible, disgusting pieces yesterday. Pieces that I’ve never verbalized. Shame fills me even now. I wish I undo it all. After therapy yesterday, I felt spent and tired. Went home , started dinner and my stomach went full on IBS. My back that has stopped hurting, zapped me again with electricity. Of note is that during this time , my mom found out yesterday she’s dying sooner than she thought. Another post. I had a lot of Cbd last night. I felt wonderful. Still noticed areas of pain , but not severe. Still no thoughts on therapy. Isn’t dissociate great ? They came. Whether in vivid dreams or awake in the dark. Reliving awful painful events. Dark secrets meant to drown in the dark. Woke up with a severe migraine this morning. Nausea and diarrhea. Thought of all I was and did. Also , who I am now. I’ve lived my second life atoning every second. Forgiveness isn’t allowed. Self sentencing at its finest. Took a lot more Cbd. Head doesn’t hurt. Numb. Alive. Existing. This post was started on another topic. Obviously, the therapy took it somewhere else.
Tag: Abandoned
Yesterday I was the Tooth fairy for my Mom…
Caring for your elderly parents is never easy , and the added difficulty of them causing the biggest trauma in your life sure complicates it even more. My parents wouldn’t let me keep my firstborn, their first grandchild. I’ll never completely understand it. But , they are Adopted and I know that played a huge role.
My mom moved out from the west coast right after 911. She lived with us for 15 years until moving into assisted living 2 years ago. That was not easy having my mom in my home as everything collapsed around me. She heard my truth and watched me dissolve after a rejected reunion. I lashed out , as the teen that had her daughter ripped away. I said many things I’m not proud of and I know I wanted her to SEE what she had done.
She witnessed the turmoil in my family as my raised children, all full siblings with my lost daughter, reacted to adoption. It wasn’t pretty and almost destroyed us all. We are all still working on it and probably will for the rest of my life.
There came a time that I knew I had to forgive her. She had a horrible childhood and just didn’t know how to parent. I knew I wanted to be everything she wasn’t. If only life was that easy. Call it fait , karma , or whatever is easier. Dysfunctional families continue, though not necessarily in the same way or degree.
Learning to forgive her has been a process. I had to see her as the adopted child she was , and not the neglectful parent she had been. She simply didn’t have the tools to raise my brother and me.
As she reaches the end of her life , I don’t want regrets. I try to be a good loving daughter. I fail on occasion.
Yesterday at the doctor, we were checking her out post shoulder replacement. Her front tooth was ” flapping ” as she called it. I asked if she wanted it out. She did. And , in a second it was gone. She was shocked on how I knew what to do.
Memories came flashing back. She never pulled my teeth , brushed my hair or any of the mom things most had. I raised myself and little brother. She simply checked out on our childhood when dad left.
I know if I don’t forgive her and love her , I’ll be forever guilt ridden. I do not need one more drop of guilt or regret in my life. She doesn’t remember most of my life and has dementia now.
So I run her errands, take her to doctors and try to involve her in things she likes. I try to be who I needed her to be. She’s always pleasant and grateful and I feel extreme guilt wherever I fail.
Adoption made us orphans when they took our babies. So ironic how that worked out that way. I’m trying to forgive daily. For me and for them.
If you need me , I’ll be playing tooth fairy, and fixing my moms hair. Love means going through the pain to get to the good stuff.
Father’s Day has come and gone…
Father’s Day has been hard for me for some time. My Dad , an adoptee, eliminated me from his life and his heart. It’s been 10 years since I’ve seen him, and he just stopped loving me. No explanation, nothing.
He abandoned me at age 10 when he left my mom. We had occasional visits, but he liked to take my brother and me to the movies. I truly feel that he didn’t have to interact with us on those visits.
He also wrote off my children, except one. My lost daughter, that he wouldn’t allow me to keep. He’s in her life, and though that hurts , I’m happy for them. I’m sad for her siblings. He’s missing out on two amazing people.
Dad was always my hero. I completely adored him. I still love him with all of my heart. It’s taken years to accept he wants no part of me. The hardest part is I don’t have a reason. He just stopped loving me. How do people do that?
He’s great friends with my ex husband and his wife. That was a difficult thing to swallow. Being so easily replaced. Not knowing why hurt and confused me. I’ll never know.
I wish him Happy Father’s Day every year on FB. We aren’t friends, so I doubt he sees it. I don’t think he ever wanted children and this was his way out.
I wish he’d explain it to me. Understanding makes things easier to accept. It’s the wondering and going over each event that hurts. If I knew why , maybe I could fix it. Wishful thinking at its best.
I love you Dad. Always have and always will. I hope you had a wonderful day. I didn’t call or text because I know that is your wishes.
Life is short. Forgive often and love one another. I’ll always love you.
Findingthepiecesofme 