Tag: Depression

Forever Goodbyes Are All I’ve Known…..

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My mom was in the hospital all weekend. The time for her to leave has come and I’m doing this with anything, but grace. I’m struggling, drowning, sobbing, and falling apart.

I’m horrible with goodbyes. Ever since I lost my first daughter to adoption, goodbyes terrify me. When my raised children were going on visitation with their dad , if they were going to camp or to explore the world like my raised daughter, I fall apart. The trauma of losing my daughter has distorted my sense of safety.

People don’t come back. You don’t get what you lost and there is NO do over. It is what it is and I’m horrible at grief. I think because of c-ptsd , I process everything at its worst.

I’m grateful for both myself and my mom I forgave her. That was a gift to both of us. But, losing her now is destroying me. Just another person I love leaving. Abandonment is in every part of me.

Loss is so hard to explain because it covers so much of my life. I lost myself so long ago , that it physically hurts to lose someone.

My Aimovig isn’t helping this week. Worst migraine of my life. No amount of anything is a balm. I have a million things to say , yet , can’t think clearly enough to convey them.

Just know I feel confused, lost , alone and triggered. I haven’t processed what it will be like without her here. Too painful. Hospice hopefully will help us all through this.

I hope I one day get to the place in the meme. I don’t want to die. That’s about all I’ve got. I suppose it’s something.

People hurting should turn a color so others know. Grief should be seen and acknowledged. But , I know better than that.

I’m not Adopted, But I’m Listening to them…

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The short version of my story: I lost my daughter 32 years ago against my will. My parents decided it was best. My parents are both Adopted, but I didn’t think of the connection until a few years ago. All of my 3 children are full siblings and I married my lost daughter’s Father 2 years later and had my daughter and my son. We have since divorced. She has refused reunion with me , but has a wonderful relationship with her sister. She is married and just had her fifth child.

No filter here. I lost it the day that precious boy was born. I was heartbroken for me, ecstatic for her, and a complete disaster. Not one of my proudest days. All I could think about was my loss. Every time she has a baby, it felt like I lost her again. PTSD isn’t forgiving to oneself .

I was once again missing them and her and felt I would drown in the powerlessness. After my breakdown, I thought long and hard and kept reading from the Amazing Adoptees. I ended up being so ashamed of myself.

I had my epiphany suddenly! I felt entitled!! I was no better than the adoptive parents that believe they are owed a child. She doesn’t owe me anything! None of this was her choice and promises not kept weren’t made by her. This was huge.

Am I ” over it”? NO. I’m only now just beginning to understand. I’ll never be over her. She’s my daughter and I’ll love her until my last breath. But, she has no obligation to me. None.

I was stuck at 18 for so long , that the pain paralyzed me. If I didn’t clutch her memory, I felt empty. The only moments I had with her lasted less than 24 hours.

My goal now is to enjoy how happy she is. Even though I’ll never meet her, she has a wonderful life. She’s the happy Adoptee. And, would I want her to be unhappy? Never!

I thought about some of our messages over the years and I owe her the biggest apology. In my dream scenario, she’s missing me. She’s not. Why would she ? I’m a stranger. I’m the mother of her sister and that is all.

I’m making tiny baby steps with the support of my Sisters in Adoptionland. I’m growing, ever so slowly, but , it’s a start. Instead of living in the past, I am looking toward the future. The pain isn’t a constant torture. I think of her daily and pray for her and her family.

Adoptees taught me so many things about myself and her. I’m forever grateful for our Sisterhood. ❤️. Wish me luck 💕

I hope that maybe one day, I’ll shine more than I break. One day at a time is the only way to navigate this for my journey.

Triggers and Dissociation….

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I find this is my pattern now. It’s somewhat safe, and doesn’t bother those around me. Feeling, remembering, reliving, and all that goes with adoption and childhood trauma is exhausting for those that are in your life. Being numb as possible lightens the load of acting like ” I’m Fine”.

What can a person say to you when you’re crumbling, trying to breathe and hoping lightening will strike you? I’m sorry. It puts you and them in a helpless situation. Everyone knows my story, probably far too well. And, I’ve found that the way my life ended up causes them anxiety. I hate that. Their story may have a much greater ending than mine.

They will have a reunion, meet their adult child and get to hold them, smell them and gaze at their hands. Sounds strange? Can you imagine carrying your baby and having your parents tell you that she’s not welcome? That you shamed them. We want to see them with every breath we take.

Triggers such as Birthdays, new grand babies being born and marriage cause many of us to crash. All the things we thought we’d be part of we aren’t. Though 96% of Adoptees do want contact , there are the 4%. I’m one of them.

You can get caught in woulda, coulda, shoulda for decades. But, the hard truth is you can’t get the time back. You must mourn the baby you lost and for many, do the work for reunion. Even if you are totally prepared, there is no guarantee .

They Adult Adoptee made no promises to us. They don’t owe us anything. We can hope for kindness and a relationship, but don’t hold your breath for that balloon airport meeting.

They often go back and forth. I understand why they do. We abandoned them, even if we didn’t choose to. It’s as simple as that. Why should they trust us? We will probably just leave again, right?

I am stuck , as my therapist says, at the time I lost her. The pain, grief, and powerlessness is profound. Yet, if she hadn’t been born, the world wouldn’t be as wonderful for her and her family. She’s an amazing mommy. I’m so proud of her. I saw just that picture of her new son and knew that whatever I’ve gone through and will in the future has meaning.

My three children are my legacy. I suppose that caring for the critically ill for more than 25 years is a legacy, too. I did something that mattered, and it has to be enough. I lay no claim to their success’s. They have done so well on their own.

I’ve disconnected from this life. I feel far away. It’s safer that way. Just mark the days and expect Nothing. No disappointment can get me anymore if you have no hope.

I’ll continue to help other Moms and children. I will be here for my Adoptee Sisters , too. Adoptionland is huge and I’m an old pro at this. I’ll be past 70 when this new baby grows up. If I’m still here. No matter. I honestly think I’ve done my part.

Others expectations of me are exhausting and I’m too sick for all of this. It’s dramatically impacted my health. Autoimmune diseases are very high among those impacted by adoption. The body can only take so much pain.

I pray for those struggling and it breaks my heart every time I hear we lost another Sister. Adoptees are 4 times more likely to commit Suicide than those not adopted according to the American Pediatric Society.

I don’t think I’ll see a change to Adoption in my lifetime. I pray it changes and only happens when there is NO other way. Guardianship is a way to help children without them losing their identity and history. No more fake birth certificates that say the Adopters gave birth. No more sealed records for adults that want to know their origin.

Sweet dreams tonight. I’ll be up wishing I could change so many things. I’m over 30 years into this and my brain still tries to find a way out of this continuous nightmare. It’s futile. As my beloved Nana would tell me, ” What is, is”.

Uncomfortably Numb….

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Day after day I sit here and know that I’m meaningless. I’ve isolated myself to the point of not even existing. My heart beats and air moves through my lungs, but , nothing more. Feeling anything seems impossible. I’m not mad, sad, or anything.

If this is acceptance, I’m there. Zero hopes or dreams. This is my lot in life. I’m responsible for all of it. I Own it. If only I hadn’t….. everything.

I try not to count days, count on people, or count my losses. I try not to think and it’s becoming easier. I’m slowly fading away. My family won’t notice. Family. Yeah. Thick or think, that’s the idea. Right? I’m disposable. That’s a fact. I’ve been replaced easily and that finally gives me some comfort that they will do so when I’m gone.

Post a picture of my dog. She’s “fine”. It’s so much easier to think someone is okay than to climb into the mud and pull them out. It’s no ones responsibility but my own.

I’ve lost too much to ever be alright. As Adoptees put it , ” She’s too damaged “. They are really right. You can’t change time.

The future holds nothing but a calendar, a very empty one. When you truly believe you’re worthless, you understand why people forget you. It’s logical. No offense taken. One can only expect so much of anyone.

I wish everyone a wonderful life. They deserve it. Fait has other plans for me. I do have a legacy. I had 3 wonderful children that are amazing adults and their achievements and success are part of me, even if they wish it not so.

When I’m gone , they will have beautiful long healthy happy lives. What more could a mother want? Remember my name. I existed once.

No worries. Off to trauma therapy.

Princess of The Castle , my way ….

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Once upon a time , there lived a princess in a castle. I’ll stop right here to discuss Castles. When we are young or not living in trauma, didn’t we all dream of castles ? Yours might have been like this:

Then there is mine :

Pretty stark contrast or were we neighbors ? My castle had thick walls , moats with crocodiles and dungeons where i could self impose punishments for myself. I felt that by keeping myself there i had some control of my out of control life. If i shut myself away i both could never be hurt again or be happy. Win Win , i thought. I didnt deserve to be happy and i knew i’d never have to truly deal with my grief.

Recently , ive been trying to actuallt feel my pain. Ive wanted to touch it and take it apart. My mind is curious that way. What I found would change everything for me.

Pain and trauma is something ive been wearing since at least my teens if not far before. My mom had dropped me on my head at 3 weeks , causing a skull fracture that did not please my young resident father. It embarrassed him that his wife was so careless , afterall , appearances are everything to some. I seemed to have no obvious lasting effect from it. My parents divorced when i was 10. My world suddenly went from one of live in maids and fancy foreign cars to shuttling between two very different worlds. I tried to raise my younger brother and keep my mom alive during her choice to stop actively living.

Did i do it well ? Hell No! But , i did it. i learned to cook and kept the bills paid and dad only came around when he wanted to impress a girlfriend. A horrible place for a young girl , zero guidance from anyone , angry at the world. At tbe time , it probably appeared like a episode of 90210 at times and others Cops. i deperately craved for someone to love me and rescuse me but did it in the worst possible ways.

I acted out , tried illegal things , went on dangerous adventures and told myself i was the lucky one. No one would tell me what to do. i was right , because no adult cared enough about if i was breathing the next day. Growing up with zero rules or cosequnces felt bold and brave! I didnt see the disfunction until i was a Mom.

During that time, in what should have been my great learning years , it was taken from me by anyone with the right words or promises of forever. I so desperately wanted to be loved that i allowed horrible things to happen to myself. Strangely , it wasnt until i was 50 that i allowed myself to even mention that i had been both molested and raped by the time i was 14.

Id tell myself that it was normal until i couldnt keep my baby. Everything came to a full stop then and pain started to build to a level of PTSD. I had reached broken. Shattered. Destroyed. And , most importantly Stuck. I wouldnt budge from there , despite a failed brutal marriage that gave me her two siblings. I divorced within 18 months of my youngest child being born. I was alone with my two beautiful kids by 30.

For the next two decades , i was the princess of my tiny house and my new loving husband , and i faked everything. That took so much out of me and having my mom move in with us for her health readons drove me to the breaking point.

I thought about suicide constantly after i turned 40. Everyone knew it , yet they couldnt help me. Ive always known i would have to save myself. Yet , it wasnt until this year that i had ONE day i wanted to live for me. Its not even April 2018 and i dont want to die. Believe it when someone tells you things change in the blink of an eye. It was as if someone ( G-d?) snapped their fingers and i was Alive.

Two , maybe three, big things had changed. I had started trauma therapy , i had started taking magic oil at night for pain and sleep and i suppose , i finally believed my lost daughter that Never was going to happen. She neither cared about me nor was ever going to meet me. My fairytale ending would never ever happen. I was also the closest to commiting suicide i had ever been.
My plan was set , i had every detail worked our and i even told people of it. Incase you are new to adoptionland , these feelings arent rare. I believe that many people were stunned i had made it to 50. I know i was. My kids were grown , and i decided that they would be much better without me and my constant failures around them. My mom had gone to assisted living so she wasnt an issue anymore. And , my sweet husband would be far better off than having a broken wife that was both chronically ill and depresed. The decades of trauma had destroyed my immune system and we both knew id never live to old age. Yay!

So , what changed and why do i want to live? Hmmmmmmmm. I crawled into the storm of the pain and let myself soak in it. I simmered and braised in agony. And , i discovered that there were things i wanted to do and see. Just for me. Not because there wasnt someone else to do it or because i was being forced. I made a choice to be happy. Insert the laughter of the hundreds that wrote and said it was a Choice! Bastards! How could they be so cruel? Didnt they know how hard i had fought to stay alive? But , they were just ahead of me. I hadnt ever tried to be happy , i acted like what i thought happy was. Two absolute different things.

If you are reading this and barely holding on by your fingertips , please stay. Its fine to keep screaming. Its okay if you plan it and dont follow through. I even challenge you to tell someone how much it fucking hurts. Tell me if you need to. Please dont be silent and go off without anyone knowing Every Single Reason Why. Because while holding on , you just might find yourself, too.

Just like Glinda , the witch of the North said , ” You’ve had the power all along my dear “. I just didnt know it. ❤️❤️❤️