Forever Goodbyes Are All I’ve Known…..

My mom was in the hospital all weekend. The time for her to leave has come and I’m doing this with anything, but grace. I’m struggling, drowning, sobbing, and falling apart.

I’m horrible with goodbyes. Ever since I lost my first daughter to adoption, goodbyes terrify me. When my raised children were going on visitation with their dad , if they were going to camp or to explore the world like my raised daughter, I fall apart. The trauma of losing my daughter has distorted my sense of safety.

People don’t come back. You don’t get what you lost and there is NO do over. It is what it is and I’m horrible at grief. I think because of c-ptsd , I process everything at its worst.

I’m grateful for both myself and my mom I forgave her. That was a gift to both of us. But, losing her now is destroying me. Just another person I love leaving. Abandonment is in every part of me.

Loss is so hard to explain because it covers so much of my life. I lost myself so long ago , that it physically hurts to lose someone.

My Aimovig isn’t helping this week. Worst migraine of my life. No amount of anything is a balm. I have a million things to say , yet , can’t think clearly enough to convey them.

Just know I feel confused, lost , alone and triggered. I haven’t processed what it will be like without her here. Too painful. Hospice hopefully will help us all through this.

I hope I one day get to the place in the meme. I don’t want to die. That’s about all I’ve got. I suppose it’s something.

People hurting should turn a color so others know. Grief should be seen and acknowledged. But , I know better than that.

Real Panic Attack Live…….

So, I’m having a full blown panic attack and I decided to share. Have you had one or seen one ? This is mine……

Description: Crying without making noise. Shaking violently. Wanting to run to the fucking make believe safe place my therapist is so fond of. Rage. Terror. Grief. I’m going to throw up again. Easily annoyed. Eyes 👀 huge.

I should have known it was coming. Today is just too much EVERYTHING. I have zero reserve and I danced too close to the line. I’m FINE!!!!!! Insert sobs.

Triggers: extremely ill. Mom is getting worse. R is having cancer surgery right now , still after 6 hours. Did I forget to tell you my husband lost his job over 3 weeks ago? Yeah. Not something I can tell. Phone therapy today triggered me. I told her that I won’t get over my daughter…. for the hundredth time. They seem like they think I could or would. Bills. FEAR! In my bones. It’s hard to think or type so you’re getting live without fucking beeps. My guilt on not being able to financially contribute because I’m a disaster and I’m going through disability. Loser. Worthless. Powerless.

Having No One to call. Lonely. Isolated. Alone. I’m one of thousands doing this right now and I decided I would probably live through it if I wrote.

People are arguing over a damn football player and my daughter won’t speak to me ever. How is the world still spinning? Young girls are giving up their babies because they are told they aren’t enough. I was once one , a long long time ago. And , that was part of what destroyed me.

How are we going to pay for anything or medicine or dogs or living ? My mother will never see the beach again and I need to be okay with that. She won’t ever meet her great grandchildren, and that breaks my heart.

I’m furious, terrified, lost , broken and the thing is …. I know the worst is coming. This isn’t it. It’s the prelude. Isn’t that fabulous?????

I want to be invisible. I want to be tiny. I don’t want to have to breathe. Ha! I even managed to get a damn migraine on Aimovig. Useless me.

The thing is about a panic attack, you can’t share it. You are whining. You need to be strong. Blah blah blah. Buck up. Try harder. Be more. You aren’t enough. See the circle ⭕️???

I’m going to be fine. Great. Everything everyone wants me to be. A lie. But , it sounds good. I’m actually going to have some herb and calm the fuck down.

This is panic. This makes no sense. This is me sometimes. I won’t apologize for it. It’s never forgiven.

I don’t edit myself for anyone. If someone doesn’t like me , I’ll know. I feel too damn much for people that don’t feel a thing for me.